Metaphor of the Seed

Changes happen incrementally.

It can start with a question in your mind. Fertile ground.

Then someone happens by, sees this lovely soil waiting to do something, and plants a seed. A kind word, idea, action, all different answers to that question of the soil.

Then you might think about that for a bit, and wonder about it.

One day, you notice that that seed has caused you to make a different choice than you normally do. You react slightly differently, take a course that you never thought you would, or simply let something go that you never could before. The seed has germinated, and now you have a sprout.

“How lovely,” you think, and you have this nice feeling of expansion. It encourages you. You go on to make a few more steps of a similar nature. Pop! A few more leaves, and as this plant starts to branch, you suddenly get another insight into the original question. Maybe someone came by to water that plant, or all your thinking has done it for you.

Some time goes by and you just start to think of this as the new normal. Winter happens, and your plant lies dormant for a while. But soon enough, the spring comes again, and your mind is churning along this theme again. And then it happens, blam! You realize that this is no longer a plant. You have now have a tree, and furthermore, it is in full bloom.

“Wow,” you think. You enjoy the shade of the tree, and in a spirit of playful celebration, you build a tree house up in the branches that have now grown so strong. You climb up with your bean bag and some lemonaide, and survey the world around you. It looks so different from up here.

Then you look down to that original soil, that question you asked some time ago. You had no idea where it was going to bring you, but because you were open to the process, and not in any particular hurry, you have entirely changed your point of reference.

You are so darn glad you asked that question, that someone saw your fertile ground, and gave you that seed. Your life has expanded and you will never be the same again.

Oh wait! You look down across the way…one of your neighbours, friends, family…someone has just asked a question. There is some gorgeous soil there, just waiting, and you have flowers that are going to seed.
 
 
 

Fledging

I used to write quite a bit of poetry, but with life as busy as it has been, and other things to distract me, I have not written a poem for some time.

The other day, though, a couple of lines sort of just popped into my head.  They felt appropriate to my recent experience, and so I wrote them down.  About a half an hour and some word juggling later, this is what emerged:


Fledging

Breaking out of old molds.
Fresh colours on my palate,
Different brush strokes on my soul.

Stretching canvas once forgotten,
Creating wings from tattered cotton.

Feeling the lift of the freshening wind...(inhale)
a way to breathe with wings unpinned.

And finally...on a good push
     and a laughing dare,
I am birthed
    UP
into the air.

B.I.T., July 19, 2014

A Resolution

If you have been keeping up with my blogs this summer, you will be aware that I have been riding a rising wave of consciousness.  A chance I took at the beginning of July, created a burst of growth and flowering for me this year. …Hallelujah!   I have been riding this wave, discovering more joy in dance, movement, and art, more courage to overcome my fears and start to build a community in which I hope to plant seeds for love and growth, and more belief in general in myself.

So, as I sit at the top of the wave, I take my Nia terminology and I wonder, How do I increase and sustain this growth, joy and expansion?  Well, as I was doing some wandering in my mind the other day, an answer came to me.  It went like this…

For some reason, I was pondering some of my past boyfriends.  Many of them were really not worth my time, but because of a lack of belief in myself, I thought that if only they would believe in me, then maybe I would be worthy of love….I know, how sadly misguided.

In any case, one boyfriend in particular came to mind that I thought would have actually really been worth my time.  Alas, he dumped me.  And as I sat there wondering why, the thought came to me that I have been rejected many times in my life by others – told  that I was not good enough, not like them enough, not worthy of their friendship, love or whatever.  Perhaps I am not alone in this experience.  No matter! I thought, at least I refuse to reject myself anymore, and gave myself a mental hug.  That felt great! 

Of course, that is easy to say, I reminded myself.  So how to go about doing it?  I thought and came up with this…whenever something uncomfortable comes up, I resolve to check in with myself and ask a simple question.  Am I being loving to myself in this situation?  If the answer is no, then I have to do some work and find a way to still or come to terms with the inner critic. 

That resolution made, I thought just a bit further about my inner critic. It is interesting how we take all the criticisms leveled at us over the years and internalize them so that those people don’t even have to be present anymore in order for us to feel shame.  We become quite capable of shaming ourselves.  So sad really.  But this is where I step off of the bus.  Sorry guys.  I am just not giving you that power anymore….tthtttthhhhhpppppptttttt! 

I am so glad you could join me once more on my journey!  If it can plant a seed in your own life, please, please, allow it to germinate, seek the light, and grow.  You too are worthy of love and joy, no matter what your inner critic says!  Please join me now in this resolution.

Love, light and joy be yours.

Namaste!

Whispering Spirit

Blue Green - copyright Brenda Isaak Takao

Spirit has been asking me to stretch again. 

For so long, I gave myself excuses.  I can’t start my own business now; I’m trying to get pregnant.  I can’t go into business with my brother; same reason.  I can’t exercise now; I have this ruddy distance course to finish.  I can’t do art now; same reason. 

All the while, spirit has been whispering in my ear about taking chances, living out loud, following my heart’s desire.  Of course, I only listened when I had a ready excuse handy – driving in my car, looking at someone else’s art in some gallery nowhere near my art room, or while I really did need to finish those research papers in order to finish my course on time.  The list was and still is endless.  I can get so excited about what I want to do, just so long as I have no hope in hell of doing it right here and now.

This year I have been trying to change that.  By God it is hard.  I discovered (see earlier post) my inner critic this year, and have been in negotiations to get her to soften up.  I also realize that I am very afraid of failing.  But that is no excuse.  If you never try, you never fail, but you never succeed either.  I know that most successes start with failure.  I just have to find a way to see beyond that possibility.  I have to learn to pick myself up and try again.

And all the while the voice of spirit has been getting louder, interesting coincidences, messages of self love and acceptance keep getting sent my way.  Messages about the connectedness of all things are everywhere.  Opportunities are cropping up.  I even managed to manifest a simple wish I had about horses in a big way this summer (strange, but true!).

Trinity - copyright Brenda Isaak Takao

So I did it.  I am patting myself on my back.  I just sent out an email invitation to a group of people ( I can’t believe I talked myself into hitting the send button!) to a talking circle that I want to start.  The voice of fear says, “it might be a good idea, but what if no one shows up?  What if they all have prior engagements, or worse, no interest?” and the inner critic chimes in with, “and who do you think you are?  All those women are probably way more knowledgeable about this than you!”  To which I reply, “I am not there to teach, only to guide a conversation, an exploration.  I hope to learn as much as anyone! If no one shows up, well…I don’t know, maybe it was not meant to be or maybe I need to try again.  I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.”

Right now, I am envisioning myself in a group of women, sharing, growing, building, and it excites me.  I am trying.  I have taken a step.  I have to keep taking steps. Mmmmm….dancing steps.

And so continues the journey.

Spirit, if you are there, I am listening.  I am trying.  Thanks for believing in me.

 

The Alchemy of Courage and Dance

Authors note – I apologize in advance; this is a long one. Hopefully you can make it through to the end with me. :o)  I also apologize for not writing again sooner, perhaps the following will explain what I have been up to. And finally, for those of you that equate vulnerability with weakness, you may as well stop reading now, or risk believing me to be weak.  You would be wrong.

I have been ‘journeying’ this past  year.  Going from full employment to unemployed, working 3 casual jobs, to no jobs and distance learning, and lastly, to one casual job and attempting to finally allow myself the luxury of being creative.  All this, in an attempt to figure out what I really want to do with my life.

And last week, I allowed myself the luxury to dance.  And I mean DANCE, in a big way.  I took an intensive 7 day, 10 to 11 hours a day course to get my white belt in Nia (for more information on this wonderful practice, please go to Nianow.com). I spent these days with 11 other women, one man, a trainer and a host teacher moving, dancing, learning free dance concepts, technique, steps, and gaining knowledge of the body systems– bones, muscles, skin – and how they connect and move.

I had entered into the mystery.

This particular mystery is one of self growth.  And I may have had a break through, rather than the slow and painful process that I often go through with my self-growth.

When we change and grow as persons, what has to happen?  What are the magical ingredients that allow us to transform our lives or parts of our lives?  Are there some situations that encourage more rapid growth?  Is this process different for different people?

Over the years, I have read many books on transformation, from psychology texts to Deepak Chopra and Caroline Myss – even the Bible.  I have watched Ted Talks about it.  I have taken courses in developmental and counselling psychology, as well.  I have also done a lot of my own growth over the years.  Sometimes, or rather most of the time, it seems that growth and understanding comes slowly.  But there are some situations that seem to encourage breakthroughs.  In taking my white belt in Nia, I put myself in one of those situations.

So what were the alchemical ingredients in my growth curve?  Courage, for one.  Stress, self awareness,  dance, and vulnerability were others. 

In some ways, it took a lot of courage for me to enter this training intensive.  I knew that I didn’t have the stamina that I should and feared that I would push myself to an injury.  Even worse, I feared that I would not be able to keep up, and look like a fool, that essentially, I would fail, and thus the stress ingredient.  But there were no tests.  No one dictated to me the level at which I must move.  Really, all I had to do each day was show up, and do the best that I could.  So here is your first hint.  In whose eyes would I have been failing if I could not keep up the general pace of the class?

My first ‘test’ came early in the week.  What happened shocked me, and gave me the hope that I might just make it through the rest of the week. 

It was on the second day, and I should explain to you that while my body may love to move and dance, it has never been overly flexible.  A little over two years ago, I discovered in my first yoga class in ages that I could no longer sit cross legged.  I literally cried. It has taken me a lot of time to be able to do so, and I am still not comfortable sitting on the floor for long periods of time.

And so it was that I was slightly horrified to realize that for the sitting portions of each day in this training, when we were learning concepts and theory, we would be sitting on the floor.  I had brought a couple of pillows and hoped that somehow I could make it through, but it was already getting tough.  One of the younger girls in the class saw me struggling in the early afternoon, and got the attention of the teacher.  I was not ready to give in yet, but feeling forced and with the class watching, I asked to be allowed to sit on a chair.  I felt humiliated, and struggled to let it go, struggled to listen to what the trainer was saying.  But as is ever the case with me, tears came quickly to the surface.  I wanted to run and hide.

Then the break came, and we all took turns at the bathroom.  I wondered if anyone could see my humiliation, and unshed tears.  I had already failed! How was I going to make it through this class?  When my turn came in the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror, and let the tears come.  I needed a relief valve.  But as I stood there,  I realized something.  No one else probably cared that I sat on a chair.  Nor was I going to fail the white belt because I sat on a chair.  The white belt was not about how long you could sit comfortably on the floor!  This was only such a small part of what we were doing here, and not even relevant to the training.  “You are the only one judging yourself!”  I said, and a part of my humiliation fell away.

The next “class” was free dance, and as I found the joy of movement within my body, I realized that I was still holding a lot of negative energy in my body.  My chest felt tight.  The front of my arms and my throat tingled with this energy.  I still wanted to cry, to release this feeling, but I could not.  I did not yet feel safe with all these new people. 

So I decided to try something that a counselor had taught me.  Based on the idea that we hold emotions within our bodies, the idea is to focus on your bodily sensations, to hold on to them physically as tight as possible, and then to decide that you want to let them go.  And when you decide this, you release the physical tension as well.  The bodily sensations associated with the  negative emotions fall away, thus sweeping the energy out of your body. 

Within the free dance, I worked this tension into my body and allowed it to drop away.  I did it twice….it worked!  I no longer felt the need to cry, and I realized that I had given up my self-judgment as well.  The free dance was the perfect place to use movement to flush energy from my body.

The next morning, another miracle occurred.  I thought that I would be so tired from the day before, physically sore, and emotionally volatile.  But as I woke up, I realized that I felt rested, and as I drove to the studio, I realized that I felt lighter and even happy.  I was so shocked!  I knew then that I would make it through, even if I did get sore and tired.

This is not to say that I did not get down on myself later…hahaha…old habits and all that.  I realized that I expected a lot out of myself, and got a bit grumpy when I needed to move at a lower level.  I wanted to be better!  But now, I recognize it for what it was, and now I realize that I need to be kinder to myself and celebrate myself for just how hard I did work.  I did not give up.  I found more strength than I thought I had.  I learned a heck of a lot, and I came away with something to build on.

It was really an awesome experience, and in the end, the perfect alchemy to jump start some growth in my self-awareness.  Going on from this lesson, I realize that I need to be more aware of my inner critic and ask it to be kinder to myself.  I am sure that there are many things in my life that I stopped myself from doing because I did not think I could do them to my standards of perfection.  If I want to really get out of the creative rut that I have been in, that needs to change now.

I am so grateful to myself for finding the courage to go to the training, and for the training and dancing itself, as I know moving the body can release old energies that we have stored there and that no longer serve us.  This was a part of myself that I had never faced before, and the environment, as well as the encouragement of my classmates, and my willingness to really look at what was happening encouraged a breakthrough that I know will lead to more growth and ease in my life. And all I can say to that, is Amen!

Thank you, dear reader,  for coming again to my humble corner.  If this post was not already so long, I would like to talk more about Nia itself, and its awesomeness!  Maybe another time, but please google it.  If you like to move and dance, this is the perfect ‘exercise’ for you.

And until next time…I am sending out a little dancing light to you all and especially to my Nia sisters and brother. Shine on you amazing people.

Namaste!

Will You or Won't You?

There is a new kind of power out there. 

Seriously.

Ok, not really.  This power, it turns out, is one that we have all had all along.  We have just given it the wrong name.  We have been calling it, ironically, willpower.  As in, “I wish I had the willpower to turn down that double chocolate fudge brownie that you are offering me.” And the reason that we have such a hard time turning it down is because we are subconsciously telling ourselves that we “will” have it.  We have been sabotaging ourselves with improper language use.

Now I am not saying that we need to stop using the term ‘willpower’.  There are plenty of reasons and situations where we still need to use willpower.  We need willpower, for example to sit down to finish that research paper that has been mocking us ever since we started trying to write it, or to clean the bathroom when we would rather be outdoors or reading our book.

For situations where we need to use determination not to do something, however, I propose that we all start to use the term won’t-power.  Now, I have to admit, this was not my term.  It came from a gentleman making a joke as he watched me struggle over a danish at a meeting.  But it sure makes sense to me!

Yes, this is a bit tongue-in-cheek at its heart, but it has got to make you think…maybe we (and when I say we, I mean those of us that have BMI’s that give us pause and concern in the health department) need to be more aware of the reasons why we can’t seem to turn down food.

Personally, I have discovered that early feelings of lack, emotionally and food wise, have triggered this feeling in me that tells me that when I am presented with the opportunity to indulge I had better do so, because I might not get another chance.  Now that I have discovered this underlying thought process, I am trying to observe it when it arises. While I am still struggling with saying no at times, I have discovered that there are times when my won’t-power is getting stronger. 

I used to tell people that I just can’t say no to indulgences.  But I can’t say that anymore, because I realize that, actually, when I really want to, I can say no. Yay for me! 

I know that there are other reasons that I overeat, but discovering them one at a time is helping me work on my won’t-power.  What do you need won’t-power for?

Got to run.  In the meantime, have an awesome day!

Namaste!

Hello again & Internet musings

Happy Easter and welcome to my new and improved blog design!

The flowers are coming....

...I love spring and I love flowers.  And I love Shasta daisies so much they (or their form) seem to show up in a lot of my artwork.  So here among the flowers, I feel at home.  I can almost smell the spring when I look at this page!

Ok, now back to the blog part...well, I have been gone from this space for over a year!  I can’t believe how time has flown.  A lot of things have changed and are still changing in my life, and I am looking forward to bringing creativity back into my life in a big way this year.  Part of that effort is this here page.  Step one.  Redesign page.  Step Two.  Find a good topic and write! 

For step two, I have to thank a wise lady friend of mine.  As we were sitting and thinking about the world and how it is changing.  We were talking about the internet and its strengths and weaknesses.  The seeming loss of privacy on the internet was mentioned as a weakness, and the amazing power that many new internet based groups (Sum of Us, Avaaz, Open Media, etc) seem to be wielding in the aid of justice and altruism was mentioned as a strength.

And of course, it occurred to me, because that is how I think, that the internet was simply an outward physical manifestation of the inner spiritual state of all things.  Ie.  We are all One.

The internet is something that connects us in ways we have never been able to connect before. Information distribution and communication happens faster and easier than ever.  And this connection is changing our society once again, I would say, on the same level as the industrial revolution did in the last century (I think, in some ways, the internet is becoming a new institution, but that is a topic for later maybe).  Of course, as stated above, this utility can be used in constructive and destructive ways.  Constructing  communities, destructing privacy.  Constructing bodies of knowledge for everyone to share, destructing esteem and confidence when teens cyber-bully.

This brings me to another piece of wisdom that I have heard twice in the last little while.  It concerns a native elder’s story told to a group of children.  He told them that he had two wolves living inside of him. One wolf was bad.  It contained all the negative traits: greed, selfishness, hatred, anger, fear.  The second wolf was good.  It was helpful, caring, kind, just, loving, honest, altruistic and so on.  Further, he told the children that each of them also had these two wolves inside of them, too.  The children wanted to know which wolf was stronger.  “That is easy,” said the elder, “the one you feed.”

I guess, in relation to the internet, we are reminded that there is good and bad in everything, just as in every one of us.  The difference is made in how we choose to use it.

I think I could probably go on about this topic, but I have to tell you, it is a beautiful day outside, and my yard is calling me.  I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject, go ahead, leave a comment…

And have a beautiful day.

Namaste.

We are Walking Encyclopedias

I just realized why I like my iPhone so much. 

I was at a hockey game with my dad and newest step-uncle(!!?! Ha!) and we were watching my uncle's granddaughter play.  He said that he didn't know where her team was from...  So I looked up the town's name in the map app.  So easy, standing there in the middle of a hockey rink, and we were able to educate ourselves. 

I know I have said before that I love my iPhone because it holds all my information like my music, games, photos, and even the time of day.    But I just realized that I am also carrying around a calculator, gps device, a world atlas, and in fact, all the knowledge on the internet.

It is like a super duper encyclopedia extraordinaire.

Wow.

With all this knowledge knocking around in our pockets and purses, do you suppose we will ever figure out how to use it to our advantage? 

 What could we do?

Or is it only knowledge that is needed to fix our problems?  But there should be some research out there about that somewhere on the Internet, too, no?

Hmmmm....

I am gonna think on this some more, and hey, if you have any ideas on this one, I would absolutely love to hear them! 

In the mean time, spread the love, text a friend today. Hee!

Ciao, all you beautiful people!

Languages of the Soul

Life should have a sound track.

I was just listening to Eric Whitacre conducting the Tokyo Youth Orchestra playing 'October' on iTunes.  That song should have been playing this fall as I went through my withdrawal from summer. Ah, that was tough.  The summer was so glorious this year that for the first time I didn't enjoy fall as much as mope through it. Hahaha, at least that was how it felt.  I usually like fall, but this year I just didn't want summer to end.

Iris from my garden.  Amazing! ...and the only picture I could
find that reminded me of a song...

In any case, maybe if that song had been playing in the background this fall, maybe I would have felt less need for comfort food.  Needless to say, I bought the song.

I have not been listening to my music as much in the last few years, but  I have been starting to reconnect with it again lately.  It is like an old friend that you have to get to know again.  I have been listening to old favorites and finding new ones, too.  

Music is really amazing sometimes if you can manage to give your whole attention to it.  It can help you to run a race, if the tempo is right.  It allows you to relive memories of feelings of anguish so sweet that the pain is almost joyful.  Ok, you can't tell me that I am the only one who has ever felt that strange juxtaposition of opposites...Music can make you get up out of your chair to dance.  It can give you hope, joy, commiserate with your loss, or music can simply stop you in your tracks, so that you have to close your eyes and just listen.

There is a song that I love by a person who I know is disabled.  The hope, love and despair in that song transports my soul.  

Well, I guess none of this is rocket science.  I am sure we have all experienced it.  It is just what I am pondering tonight as I go through my music and pick songs to listen to, and think of songs that I want to get and artists that I want to explore some more.

So what do I draw from this...don't I always have to draw some moral or eternal truth from my experiences?  Well, maybe I don't have to, but I seem to anyway. :o)  

I am sure there is all kinds of research out there, but I don't have to read it to know that music has a certain power in our lives, from the way that it affects us, to the simple fact that we still have music with us after the however many millenia we have been around...

Maybe I should see what the research says.  Maybe music is the language of our souls, or maybe it is only one of the languages, and artistic expression, and dance are other languages that our soul speaks.  
Either way, I think we should listen, truly stop and listen to these languages once in awhile.   The words they speak may be bittersweet, but they are filled, too, with the joy and beauty of existence. AND maybe, just maybe if we were to focus more on these things, we would create less of the ugliness and sorrow that takes up so much space in our world.

Today, I wish only beauty for you - music, or art, or dance to fill you with joy.  And I wish for the spirit of music and beauty and love to be infused into the earth so that everyone that partakes of the earth is filled with beauty too.  

Play a song, or sing one.  Maybe make one up.  I am sure it'll do the soul and body good.

And until next time....take care of yourself.

Peace out.

Orion and the Big Dipper and the First Star I See Tonight

Driving home from the city last night, I noticed that Orion was sitting on the horizon.  I looked to the left and the dipper was there too.  They looked so huge.   I guess the principle must be the same as looking at the moon on the horizon.  With something to compare it to, ie, the earth, the moon looks huge, too.  

In the end, though, the feeling they created was more powerful than the 'scientific' explanation for their seeming size.  Suddenly, I felt much closer to those constellations and the stars in general.  It felt as though someone had turned this big telescope on and brought them closer, or literally swung the sky closer to the earth.  Weird.  

There was also this bigger feeling of connection present in my drives to and from town.  Maybe I just have not gotten outside enough lately with the colder weather, but the sunset on the way in had an odd effect on me, too. I was very struck with the beauty and the surreal feeling of it all.  Sometimes, you actually experience something that you often long for, and you have to remind yourself that you are really here, right now experiencing it, and not to rush through it or just move on to the next moment or the next experience.  But it is hard.  It seems that those moments are in the middle of motion, on the way from here to there. Does that sound strange, or even make any sense....?

I made a Christmas wish on the one star in the sky for my family, too, and felt as though someone was actually listening.  I hoped it was my mom.  I hope that my mom is part of the bigger universe now.  Able to be here and there and everywhere, but also just one spot when she wishes. I hope she is free from all pain and jealousy, and able to love the way she knew her savior loved.

I sure miss her this time of year.  I don't know why now more than any other time, but right now I think of her a lot.  And I cry.  But I never know why I am crying...another thing that sounds strange even to me....I mean, mom is not in pain anymore.  She is not going through anymore humiliation, or loss of control over her life and situation.  She loved me, and I know that she knew I loved her.  But I need my mom.  I mean, I don't need her as in, I need her to tell me how to live or how to cook or even how to plant my garden.  I just need her, to love and hug and talk to.  Ahh sh**, now I am crying again.

So, anyway, I have been feeling a strange, neat sense of bigger connection to things lately, like somehow I have expanded my awareness or just connected to tendrils of existence outside my physical body.   Gosh.  I have just realized that sounds like some sort of schizophrenic hallucination. Hmmmm...well, I guess I could be going insane.  If so, insane feels kind of freeing and even powerful.  I feel like I am part of a beautiful creation, and just maybe, I have the power to act on it - to play a part in creating.

And in the end, all of this is just to say that, in spite of a few blips, missing my mom and worries about work, life is still good, and it feels like it is getting better.  It feels like I can make a positive difference in my life and the lives of those around me, and even though I still wonder about 'God', I feel like I am connecting to a larger presence.  I feel movement in my life.  I feel good.  

And all I can say about that is Amen.

Namaste, and Merry Christmas.

Stretch!

I stretch my body - hands reach to the sky, then to the floor.  It feels good.  My body moves more freely now.  I have more confidence in my balance and more flexibility in my knees.  Losing a good deal of weight will do that for you.  Yay! 

I like to stretch, but I also have this strange indescribable urge at times to stretch my mind.  It is like an itch in my brain.  One thought leads to another, and suddenly there is a sense of pleasure, a figurative stretching out to the ether, and a desire for more. 

A good way to scratch this itch is to write.  The thought that initiated or stimulated the 'stretch' is looking to be fleshed out, and writing it down, leads to more thoughts and, eventually,  some sort of conclusion. An essay, I guess.  An attempt to clarify my mind, learn about my inner landscape, or stretch my mind and, maybe ultimately, my soul.

Perhaps that is why I seem to have this reawakening of my desire to write.  Story ideas have been coming to me, and it is a good thing that this is only a figurative itch.  Otherwise, much head scratching would be taking place as my urge to write is frustrated by my lack of available and uninterrupted time.  People might wonder...

But tonight I have the time.  And the urge is strong.  The time and the urge together are a boon, and so here I am, clicking away awkwardly on my iPad keyboard.  I will transfer this later on onto my laptop, and onto the blog. But I wanted to see how hard it is to type on a keyboard that has no tactile clues as to where you are putting your fingers.  Ahaha...a good thing this thing has auto correct and ,seemingly, a built in sense of intuition as to which word you are trying to type.  I can almost type without looking at the keys....almost.

Well, it is good to be at it again.  I think I am going to go look for a word processing app for this thing...and then go back to that story that I had started while I was waiting in the doctor's office.

Aaaaah yes...that feels good.

Have an itch of your own? Go scratch.  It is highly rewarding.

Peace out.

Sent from my iPad

Diamond Bright

Today, I participated in a walk for “Kids for Cancer”. Before they started the relay and the walk, they introduced a bunch of people – doctors who were raising money for the cause, and so on.  They also had a couple of kids give a little talk – an eight year old girl who had brain cancer, and her 9 year old brother.  They were very well spoken.  At least, they read their speeches with practiced ease.  She read out a list of the procedures that she had already endured, and he added some of the other ones that she would have to go through in the future.  They were a family that was well acquainted with the hospital and dealing with pain.

Then the walk began, and I walked with my nephew, also nine, at the front of the pack.  He was itching to run, but the lead car was only going at a fast walk pace.  As we walked, another lady asked us questions.  “Do you have cancer?” she asked him.  “No,” he said.  Then she proceeded to tell us a bit about the two kids that had shared their story.  I found out that the little girl had lost 2 friends to cancer in the last year, and that 25 % of children did not survive their bouts with the disease. 

Such intimate knowledge of death and hardship for such young persons!  I thought about what we had gone through with mom, her bravery, her stubbornness and our emotions riding through highs when she showed recovery to lows when we thought for sure this time we had lost her.  I could only wonder at how children could deal with these emotions, the pain, the never ending “procedures”.  How did they hold up hope when their whole life was filled with this sickness?  What did they wish for?  How could they believe that life would ever get better when all they had ever known was worse?  And their families.  How devastating was it to know that this young child may never reach adulthood?  How does one deal with that?

It spoke to my belief that we have all come here to learn certain things, or to teach others things.  It also speaks to the stamina, the diamond hard and diamond bright resolve, that is built into the human spirit.  I have read in a few different places, the idea that we rise to the heights that are required, and these children are living testaments to this truth.  In the face of hardships, there is hope. We pull together, and we support each other.  We allow our love to speak in actions, and our souls to shine.

These people that endure these things are an inspiration to us, even while we shy away from the bitter realities that they endure, and hope that we never have to endure them ourselves.  Once again, the paradoxes of life break and play like light across my awareness.  Bitter pain is juxtaposed with amazing love and hope. Darkness and light.  And because of the knife edged darkness, the light is allowed to shine diamond bright.

And so we grudgingly accept, again, the pain and the lesson.

Thanks again, for listening to my musings.  Sending out love and light.

And signing off.

Namaste.

Yin Yang

Life is so full of contradictions.  We are walking paradoxes.

I am so stressed out!

I am so blessed!

I need more time.  The demands of the committee that I chair take up a good deal of time.  This is the first committee I have had the honour of chairing.  So this is new to me, and I don't want to let anyone down.  I have been able to keep up, but am worried that my motivation will waiver and I will miss crucial deadlines.  My garden is filled with dandelions, and creeping bell flower, but the rain keeps me from weeding. (I know, I know, the bees need the dandelions anyway....;-) ) And we still need to get the flooring done in the bedroom.  Plus the state of my office!!!  This list could go on a while.

At the same time, I feel so alive.  So filled with possibility.  So grateful for all the women, and yes even a few men that have come into my life in the last year, new friends, allies...people who can see the potential in me and are willing to stick around to see if it manifests.  I am still thankful for the humor and generosity of spirit that my husband demonstrates to me every day. I see avenues of possibility, and opportunities to create.  My garden energizes me, even as it wrecks my joints, renders muscles stiff and inoperable.

These polarities exist together within me.  It begs the question of our capability to feel joy and other positive emotions.  Would it/they exist without the tension of sadness, fear, stress?  It feels as though, the answer is no, they would not.  And the only reason I can say this is because of my own experiences.  I have no wider philosophical reasoning for this, only that so often in my life, when horrible things have happened, they have also been accompanied by amazing blessings.  Or when I have had an amazing day, it seems someone has to pop out of the proverbial woodwork to burst my bubble and turn my blue skies grey (oh! apologies for the cliches heaped up!).

So one wonders if life would be easier, if we didn't experience all the highs and lows.  A question that seems to be answered at least in some circles with, yes.  If we could rid ourselves of our attachments, then we might slip this mortal coil...or maybe I am misunderstanding...that is always a possibility.

But my answer to this question, or maybe my response, would have to be that, as hard as some of the times in my life have been, they have served to strengthen me.  They have made my spirit into the bird that soars above the clouds.  I have taken the lessons they offered, and turned my ashes into gold.  They have allowed me to feel these blessings, and given me the urge to pass them on to others. 

I guess I also feel that if I didn't have the highs and the lows, that I could not be called human.  This human condition.  We strive to find only the heights, and struggle not to feel the lows.  Well, I am learning to feel joy at both.  Slowly, achingly, I realize the value of both.

For now, I am on top of the mountain, and in the valley looking up.  There is blue sky and clouds, grey and green.  I open my arms and my heart to it all.  And it is good.

Moments of Trancendance

A bird high in the sky. 
Bright sun makes feathers gleam.
White against blue.
Me, like a rabbit in a hole, looking out from darkness, while my soul soars with the bird.
Dreams of flight.
Joy on wings.
Small static bursts of recognition, this is what I am meant to be....
Why am I wasting my time down here?


- April 5, 2011


This little poem was written at work the other day.  I was looking out of the overhead door, and happened to look up at the beautiful blue sunny sky when I saw the bird.  A tiny burst of joy filled my heart, a momentary pleasure, so fleeting that it was hardly there.  These little moments are something that I am drawn to - want to explore. 


We all have these moments of trancendance, but they are so fleeting.  We constantly search for happiness, and suddenly, when we are in the moment, happiness erupts within us at a simple sight or smell.  Unfortunately, it is so hard to hold onto.  And of course, any sage or meditator will tell you it is because we don't live in the moment enough.  This seems to simplify the problem.  It is easy to say, "live in the moment."  But it is hard to do. 


So I approach this in my own life, in my own way.  I look for clues. I savor the moments when they come. I let the feeling enter my being.  And I write about it when anything interesting comes to me. 


Sometimes, it seems that this world of joy is only a thought or a gesture away, separated from me by the thinnest of veils.  It seems that if only I knew the key, I could access this amazing fount of joy and energy at any time.  But then life creeps in again, and I am pulled away.  I must enter the world as my body knows it and get up and go or I will be late, or I better get back to work, or someone asks for my attention.


But I know that it is there.  It is always there waiting for me to access it.  And probably, in unconscious little ways, I do access it - when I am happy, creating art, talking to a friend, puttering in the garden, trying to give my joy away....


And so my journey and my search continue.  But for now, I am tired, and can't think of a good ending for my musings.  If anyone should happen to stumble upon these musings and has some musings of their own, I would be happy to hear from them...you. Drop me a line, or a comment.


In the meantime, I am sending out my love to all, and wishes for a happy peaceful Easter.


Take care of you.

A: I Have A Lot of People to Love

Q: Why am I here?

This thought just occurred to me. 

Do you ever just get answers to questions like they just popped out of the blue?  I was just here thinking about my dad and the pain that he must go through daily.  My heart wanted to reach out and scoop him up and protect him from that pain. 

It seems I go through life trying to help, love, mediate, comfort, advise, and uplift.  I am either just a big meddling busy body or I must genuinely care about others and want to help.  Maybe a bit of both?  Either way, in the back of my mind, as I was mulling over my motivations, a small voice asked, "why am i here?" and the immediate answer was an expansive," I have a lot of people to love."

It was accompanied by a strange feeling that I sometimes get that I am older than I am, and somehow alot more powerful than I realize. 

Yeah.  Ok, I admit it, I sound like a kook.  But hey, at least I am a benevolent kook.

Just a short one tonight, folks.  Had to type it before I forgot, but I don't have much time, so I gotta go.  I may have to revisit this theme though....it is another of my recurring thoughts.

Peace out. 

Silence

Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I am usually very articulate.  I know what I think and what I feel, and I can usually put it into words very readily.  But there are times that words fail even me.

I am thinking about last week after writing my first blog entry.  I was so excited, that I wanted to go back and write again the very next day.  But I could not think of a topic.  The urge was there, but my heart would not speak to me.  I knew that it would only be a matter of time until something would pop into my head, as I am always coming up with things that make me think, "wow that would be a great blog topic.'  So I settled in to wait.

And as I waited, I sort of worked it in my mind. Why had my inspiration left me briefly? It was so weird having the urge to say something, the need even, but not having the thing to say.  Eventually, it brought to mind my mom's passing. 

Now, I will not be speaking about my mom on every blog.  But her passing is part of my recent history, and it remains strong in my psyche.  It was an experience that bothered me in many ways, so I want to explore it and see what comes out of the depths of my mind.  To that end, I will probably talk about it more than once on here, but not always. 

I had plenty of warning that my mom was going to pass away - from prophetic dreams of her sickness and death to the many close calls we had with her, and her gradual decline to the point that at times it seemed she was not hardly there anymore.  What I did not know was the way in which the end would come.  Nor did I anticipate having to be involved in the decision that ended her life.  I knew that it was the right decision, but still it felt like I was taking a decision out of the hands of the one person that should be making it, namely, mom.  Mom, however, was in a coma, and we had strong indications that she would never come out of it.

Suffice it to say that I was feeling pretty wretched.

We decided to make sure that mom was not ever alone in her final days.  I took one night, and Dad took the next.  And that night, as I was alone with mom, I thought I should talk to her.  Tell her all the things I was thinking....and feeling.  But as I listened to her ragged breathing, no words would come.  Well, that is not entirely true.  All I could say was, "I love you, mom, and I am so so sorry."

My heart was welling with feelings, pain, guilt, missing her smile and her laugh, her infectious joy.   I wanted to talk to her like it was our last conversation, but I had no words.  I just stared at her and then out the window to the orange lit world below.  I did not know how to say good bye to the most important woman in my life. 

I knew that she knew I loved her.   And I knew that she loved me.  Maybe in the end, that was all that really mattered.  But it bothered me.  Perhaps it was from watching too many bad hospital dramas where when someone was in a coma, the person sitting beside them read to them or talked to them, and knew exactly what to say.  I should have something to say to mom. Something!  But no.  And it is funny, even today, almost 10 months later, I still have the urge to call her up and share something that happened in my day.  But that night, and the next few days until she passed, there was nothing that we could share but silence.

So ultimately, I have to wonder, perhaps this was important in some way that I didn't understand.  All the talk we shared over the years came to an end that night.  What was left was the deepness of silence.  For once, there was nothing I could say to comfort or elicit a laugh. 

 I could do nothing to prevent her going, and we passed the night together, one last time.  And as I shared that last passage with mom, the time for words was at an end.  Perhaps that is what my heart was trying to tell me.  Forget your speech. Forget your need to make things better with words.  Now is the time to just be.  Be with her...until you cannot be again.

I place a great store in words - in communication.  I fancy myself to be pretty good with them.  Especially in words that come from the heart.  But what my heart showed me that night, was that there is a time for words to end, and simple presence to begin.  I wonder if I will recognize that time if it ever comes again.