Orion and the Big Dipper and the First Star I See Tonight

Driving home from the city last night, I noticed that Orion was sitting on the horizon.  I looked to the left and the dipper was there too.  They looked so huge.   I guess the principle must be the same as looking at the moon on the horizon.  With something to compare it to, ie, the earth, the moon looks huge, too.  

In the end, though, the feeling they created was more powerful than the 'scientific' explanation for their seeming size.  Suddenly, I felt much closer to those constellations and the stars in general.  It felt as though someone had turned this big telescope on and brought them closer, or literally swung the sky closer to the earth.  Weird.  

There was also this bigger feeling of connection present in my drives to and from town.  Maybe I just have not gotten outside enough lately with the colder weather, but the sunset on the way in had an odd effect on me, too. I was very struck with the beauty and the surreal feeling of it all.  Sometimes, you actually experience something that you often long for, and you have to remind yourself that you are really here, right now experiencing it, and not to rush through it or just move on to the next moment or the next experience.  But it is hard.  It seems that those moments are in the middle of motion, on the way from here to there. Does that sound strange, or even make any sense....?

I made a Christmas wish on the one star in the sky for my family, too, and felt as though someone was actually listening.  I hoped it was my mom.  I hope that my mom is part of the bigger universe now.  Able to be here and there and everywhere, but also just one spot when she wishes. I hope she is free from all pain and jealousy, and able to love the way she knew her savior loved.

I sure miss her this time of year.  I don't know why now more than any other time, but right now I think of her a lot.  And I cry.  But I never know why I am crying...another thing that sounds strange even to me....I mean, mom is not in pain anymore.  She is not going through anymore humiliation, or loss of control over her life and situation.  She loved me, and I know that she knew I loved her.  But I need my mom.  I mean, I don't need her as in, I need her to tell me how to live or how to cook or even how to plant my garden.  I just need her, to love and hug and talk to.  Ahh sh**, now I am crying again.

So, anyway, I have been feeling a strange, neat sense of bigger connection to things lately, like somehow I have expanded my awareness or just connected to tendrils of existence outside my physical body.   Gosh.  I have just realized that sounds like some sort of schizophrenic hallucination. Hmmmm...well, I guess I could be going insane.  If so, insane feels kind of freeing and even powerful.  I feel like I am part of a beautiful creation, and just maybe, I have the power to act on it - to play a part in creating.

And in the end, all of this is just to say that, in spite of a few blips, missing my mom and worries about work, life is still good, and it feels like it is getting better.  It feels like I can make a positive difference in my life and the lives of those around me, and even though I still wonder about 'God', I feel like I am connecting to a larger presence.  I feel movement in my life.  I feel good.  

And all I can say about that is Amen.

Namaste, and Merry Christmas.