Yin Yang

Life is so full of contradictions.  We are walking paradoxes.

I am so stressed out!

I am so blessed!

I need more time.  The demands of the committee that I chair take up a good deal of time.  This is the first committee I have had the honour of chairing.  So this is new to me, and I don't want to let anyone down.  I have been able to keep up, but am worried that my motivation will waiver and I will miss crucial deadlines.  My garden is filled with dandelions, and creeping bell flower, but the rain keeps me from weeding. (I know, I know, the bees need the dandelions anyway....;-) ) And we still need to get the flooring done in the bedroom.  Plus the state of my office!!!  This list could go on a while.

At the same time, I feel so alive.  So filled with possibility.  So grateful for all the women, and yes even a few men that have come into my life in the last year, new friends, allies...people who can see the potential in me and are willing to stick around to see if it manifests.  I am still thankful for the humor and generosity of spirit that my husband demonstrates to me every day. I see avenues of possibility, and opportunities to create.  My garden energizes me, even as it wrecks my joints, renders muscles stiff and inoperable.

These polarities exist together within me.  It begs the question of our capability to feel joy and other positive emotions.  Would it/they exist without the tension of sadness, fear, stress?  It feels as though, the answer is no, they would not.  And the only reason I can say this is because of my own experiences.  I have no wider philosophical reasoning for this, only that so often in my life, when horrible things have happened, they have also been accompanied by amazing blessings.  Or when I have had an amazing day, it seems someone has to pop out of the proverbial woodwork to burst my bubble and turn my blue skies grey (oh! apologies for the cliches heaped up!).

So one wonders if life would be easier, if we didn't experience all the highs and lows.  A question that seems to be answered at least in some circles with, yes.  If we could rid ourselves of our attachments, then we might slip this mortal coil...or maybe I am misunderstanding...that is always a possibility.

But my answer to this question, or maybe my response, would have to be that, as hard as some of the times in my life have been, they have served to strengthen me.  They have made my spirit into the bird that soars above the clouds.  I have taken the lessons they offered, and turned my ashes into gold.  They have allowed me to feel these blessings, and given me the urge to pass them on to others. 

I guess I also feel that if I didn't have the highs and the lows, that I could not be called human.  This human condition.  We strive to find only the heights, and struggle not to feel the lows.  Well, I am learning to feel joy at both.  Slowly, achingly, I realize the value of both.

For now, I am on top of the mountain, and in the valley looking up.  There is blue sky and clouds, grey and green.  I open my arms and my heart to it all.  And it is good.