Orion and the Big Dipper and the First Star I See Tonight

Driving home from the city last night, I noticed that Orion was sitting on the horizon.  I looked to the left and the dipper was there too.  They looked so huge.   I guess the principle must be the same as looking at the moon on the horizon.  With something to compare it to, ie, the earth, the moon looks huge, too.  

In the end, though, the feeling they created was more powerful than the 'scientific' explanation for their seeming size.  Suddenly, I felt much closer to those constellations and the stars in general.  It felt as though someone had turned this big telescope on and brought them closer, or literally swung the sky closer to the earth.  Weird.  

There was also this bigger feeling of connection present in my drives to and from town.  Maybe I just have not gotten outside enough lately with the colder weather, but the sunset on the way in had an odd effect on me, too. I was very struck with the beauty and the surreal feeling of it all.  Sometimes, you actually experience something that you often long for, and you have to remind yourself that you are really here, right now experiencing it, and not to rush through it or just move on to the next moment or the next experience.  But it is hard.  It seems that those moments are in the middle of motion, on the way from here to there. Does that sound strange, or even make any sense....?

I made a Christmas wish on the one star in the sky for my family, too, and felt as though someone was actually listening.  I hoped it was my mom.  I hope that my mom is part of the bigger universe now.  Able to be here and there and everywhere, but also just one spot when she wishes. I hope she is free from all pain and jealousy, and able to love the way she knew her savior loved.

I sure miss her this time of year.  I don't know why now more than any other time, but right now I think of her a lot.  And I cry.  But I never know why I am crying...another thing that sounds strange even to me....I mean, mom is not in pain anymore.  She is not going through anymore humiliation, or loss of control over her life and situation.  She loved me, and I know that she knew I loved her.  But I need my mom.  I mean, I don't need her as in, I need her to tell me how to live or how to cook or even how to plant my garden.  I just need her, to love and hug and talk to.  Ahh sh**, now I am crying again.

So, anyway, I have been feeling a strange, neat sense of bigger connection to things lately, like somehow I have expanded my awareness or just connected to tendrils of existence outside my physical body.   Gosh.  I have just realized that sounds like some sort of schizophrenic hallucination. Hmmmm...well, I guess I could be going insane.  If so, insane feels kind of freeing and even powerful.  I feel like I am part of a beautiful creation, and just maybe, I have the power to act on it - to play a part in creating.

And in the end, all of this is just to say that, in spite of a few blips, missing my mom and worries about work, life is still good, and it feels like it is getting better.  It feels like I can make a positive difference in my life and the lives of those around me, and even though I still wonder about 'God', I feel like I am connecting to a larger presence.  I feel movement in my life.  I feel good.  

And all I can say about that is Amen.

Namaste, and Merry Christmas.

Stretch!

I stretch my body - hands reach to the sky, then to the floor.  It feels good.  My body moves more freely now.  I have more confidence in my balance and more flexibility in my knees.  Losing a good deal of weight will do that for you.  Yay! 

I like to stretch, but I also have this strange indescribable urge at times to stretch my mind.  It is like an itch in my brain.  One thought leads to another, and suddenly there is a sense of pleasure, a figurative stretching out to the ether, and a desire for more. 

A good way to scratch this itch is to write.  The thought that initiated or stimulated the 'stretch' is looking to be fleshed out, and writing it down, leads to more thoughts and, eventually,  some sort of conclusion. An essay, I guess.  An attempt to clarify my mind, learn about my inner landscape, or stretch my mind and, maybe ultimately, my soul.

Perhaps that is why I seem to have this reawakening of my desire to write.  Story ideas have been coming to me, and it is a good thing that this is only a figurative itch.  Otherwise, much head scratching would be taking place as my urge to write is frustrated by my lack of available and uninterrupted time.  People might wonder...

But tonight I have the time.  And the urge is strong.  The time and the urge together are a boon, and so here I am, clicking away awkwardly on my iPad keyboard.  I will transfer this later on onto my laptop, and onto the blog. But I wanted to see how hard it is to type on a keyboard that has no tactile clues as to where you are putting your fingers.  Ahaha...a good thing this thing has auto correct and ,seemingly, a built in sense of intuition as to which word you are trying to type.  I can almost type without looking at the keys....almost.

Well, it is good to be at it again.  I think I am going to go look for a word processing app for this thing...and then go back to that story that I had started while I was waiting in the doctor's office.

Aaaaah yes...that feels good.

Have an itch of your own? Go scratch.  It is highly rewarding.

Peace out.

Sent from my iPad

Diamond Bright

Today, I participated in a walk for “Kids for Cancer”. Before they started the relay and the walk, they introduced a bunch of people – doctors who were raising money for the cause, and so on.  They also had a couple of kids give a little talk – an eight year old girl who had brain cancer, and her 9 year old brother.  They were very well spoken.  At least, they read their speeches with practiced ease.  She read out a list of the procedures that she had already endured, and he added some of the other ones that she would have to go through in the future.  They were a family that was well acquainted with the hospital and dealing with pain.

Then the walk began, and I walked with my nephew, also nine, at the front of the pack.  He was itching to run, but the lead car was only going at a fast walk pace.  As we walked, another lady asked us questions.  “Do you have cancer?” she asked him.  “No,” he said.  Then she proceeded to tell us a bit about the two kids that had shared their story.  I found out that the little girl had lost 2 friends to cancer in the last year, and that 25 % of children did not survive their bouts with the disease. 

Such intimate knowledge of death and hardship for such young persons!  I thought about what we had gone through with mom, her bravery, her stubbornness and our emotions riding through highs when she showed recovery to lows when we thought for sure this time we had lost her.  I could only wonder at how children could deal with these emotions, the pain, the never ending “procedures”.  How did they hold up hope when their whole life was filled with this sickness?  What did they wish for?  How could they believe that life would ever get better when all they had ever known was worse?  And their families.  How devastating was it to know that this young child may never reach adulthood?  How does one deal with that?

It spoke to my belief that we have all come here to learn certain things, or to teach others things.  It also speaks to the stamina, the diamond hard and diamond bright resolve, that is built into the human spirit.  I have read in a few different places, the idea that we rise to the heights that are required, and these children are living testaments to this truth.  In the face of hardships, there is hope. We pull together, and we support each other.  We allow our love to speak in actions, and our souls to shine.

These people that endure these things are an inspiration to us, even while we shy away from the bitter realities that they endure, and hope that we never have to endure them ourselves.  Once again, the paradoxes of life break and play like light across my awareness.  Bitter pain is juxtaposed with amazing love and hope. Darkness and light.  And because of the knife edged darkness, the light is allowed to shine diamond bright.

And so we grudgingly accept, again, the pain and the lesson.

Thanks again, for listening to my musings.  Sending out love and light.

And signing off.

Namaste.

Yin Yang

Life is so full of contradictions.  We are walking paradoxes.

I am so stressed out!

I am so blessed!

I need more time.  The demands of the committee that I chair take up a good deal of time.  This is the first committee I have had the honour of chairing.  So this is new to me, and I don't want to let anyone down.  I have been able to keep up, but am worried that my motivation will waiver and I will miss crucial deadlines.  My garden is filled with dandelions, and creeping bell flower, but the rain keeps me from weeding. (I know, I know, the bees need the dandelions anyway....;-) ) And we still need to get the flooring done in the bedroom.  Plus the state of my office!!!  This list could go on a while.

At the same time, I feel so alive.  So filled with possibility.  So grateful for all the women, and yes even a few men that have come into my life in the last year, new friends, allies...people who can see the potential in me and are willing to stick around to see if it manifests.  I am still thankful for the humor and generosity of spirit that my husband demonstrates to me every day. I see avenues of possibility, and opportunities to create.  My garden energizes me, even as it wrecks my joints, renders muscles stiff and inoperable.

These polarities exist together within me.  It begs the question of our capability to feel joy and other positive emotions.  Would it/they exist without the tension of sadness, fear, stress?  It feels as though, the answer is no, they would not.  And the only reason I can say this is because of my own experiences.  I have no wider philosophical reasoning for this, only that so often in my life, when horrible things have happened, they have also been accompanied by amazing blessings.  Or when I have had an amazing day, it seems someone has to pop out of the proverbial woodwork to burst my bubble and turn my blue skies grey (oh! apologies for the cliches heaped up!).

So one wonders if life would be easier, if we didn't experience all the highs and lows.  A question that seems to be answered at least in some circles with, yes.  If we could rid ourselves of our attachments, then we might slip this mortal coil...or maybe I am misunderstanding...that is always a possibility.

But my answer to this question, or maybe my response, would have to be that, as hard as some of the times in my life have been, they have served to strengthen me.  They have made my spirit into the bird that soars above the clouds.  I have taken the lessons they offered, and turned my ashes into gold.  They have allowed me to feel these blessings, and given me the urge to pass them on to others. 

I guess I also feel that if I didn't have the highs and the lows, that I could not be called human.  This human condition.  We strive to find only the heights, and struggle not to feel the lows.  Well, I am learning to feel joy at both.  Slowly, achingly, I realize the value of both.

For now, I am on top of the mountain, and in the valley looking up.  There is blue sky and clouds, grey and green.  I open my arms and my heart to it all.  And it is good.

Moments of Trancendance

A bird high in the sky. 
Bright sun makes feathers gleam.
White against blue.
Me, like a rabbit in a hole, looking out from darkness, while my soul soars with the bird.
Dreams of flight.
Joy on wings.
Small static bursts of recognition, this is what I am meant to be....
Why am I wasting my time down here?


- April 5, 2011


This little poem was written at work the other day.  I was looking out of the overhead door, and happened to look up at the beautiful blue sunny sky when I saw the bird.  A tiny burst of joy filled my heart, a momentary pleasure, so fleeting that it was hardly there.  These little moments are something that I am drawn to - want to explore. 


We all have these moments of trancendance, but they are so fleeting.  We constantly search for happiness, and suddenly, when we are in the moment, happiness erupts within us at a simple sight or smell.  Unfortunately, it is so hard to hold onto.  And of course, any sage or meditator will tell you it is because we don't live in the moment enough.  This seems to simplify the problem.  It is easy to say, "live in the moment."  But it is hard to do. 


So I approach this in my own life, in my own way.  I look for clues. I savor the moments when they come. I let the feeling enter my being.  And I write about it when anything interesting comes to me. 


Sometimes, it seems that this world of joy is only a thought or a gesture away, separated from me by the thinnest of veils.  It seems that if only I knew the key, I could access this amazing fount of joy and energy at any time.  But then life creeps in again, and I am pulled away.  I must enter the world as my body knows it and get up and go or I will be late, or I better get back to work, or someone asks for my attention.


But I know that it is there.  It is always there waiting for me to access it.  And probably, in unconscious little ways, I do access it - when I am happy, creating art, talking to a friend, puttering in the garden, trying to give my joy away....


And so my journey and my search continue.  But for now, I am tired, and can't think of a good ending for my musings.  If anyone should happen to stumble upon these musings and has some musings of their own, I would be happy to hear from them...you. Drop me a line, or a comment.


In the meantime, I am sending out my love to all, and wishes for a happy peaceful Easter.


Take care of you.

A: I Have A Lot of People to Love

Q: Why am I here?

This thought just occurred to me. 

Do you ever just get answers to questions like they just popped out of the blue?  I was just here thinking about my dad and the pain that he must go through daily.  My heart wanted to reach out and scoop him up and protect him from that pain. 

It seems I go through life trying to help, love, mediate, comfort, advise, and uplift.  I am either just a big meddling busy body or I must genuinely care about others and want to help.  Maybe a bit of both?  Either way, in the back of my mind, as I was mulling over my motivations, a small voice asked, "why am i here?" and the immediate answer was an expansive," I have a lot of people to love."

It was accompanied by a strange feeling that I sometimes get that I am older than I am, and somehow alot more powerful than I realize. 

Yeah.  Ok, I admit it, I sound like a kook.  But hey, at least I am a benevolent kook.

Just a short one tonight, folks.  Had to type it before I forgot, but I don't have much time, so I gotta go.  I may have to revisit this theme though....it is another of my recurring thoughts.

Peace out. 

Silence

Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I am usually very articulate.  I know what I think and what I feel, and I can usually put it into words very readily.  But there are times that words fail even me.

I am thinking about last week after writing my first blog entry.  I was so excited, that I wanted to go back and write again the very next day.  But I could not think of a topic.  The urge was there, but my heart would not speak to me.  I knew that it would only be a matter of time until something would pop into my head, as I am always coming up with things that make me think, "wow that would be a great blog topic.'  So I settled in to wait.

And as I waited, I sort of worked it in my mind. Why had my inspiration left me briefly? It was so weird having the urge to say something, the need even, but not having the thing to say.  Eventually, it brought to mind my mom's passing. 

Now, I will not be speaking about my mom on every blog.  But her passing is part of my recent history, and it remains strong in my psyche.  It was an experience that bothered me in many ways, so I want to explore it and see what comes out of the depths of my mind.  To that end, I will probably talk about it more than once on here, but not always. 

I had plenty of warning that my mom was going to pass away - from prophetic dreams of her sickness and death to the many close calls we had with her, and her gradual decline to the point that at times it seemed she was not hardly there anymore.  What I did not know was the way in which the end would come.  Nor did I anticipate having to be involved in the decision that ended her life.  I knew that it was the right decision, but still it felt like I was taking a decision out of the hands of the one person that should be making it, namely, mom.  Mom, however, was in a coma, and we had strong indications that she would never come out of it.

Suffice it to say that I was feeling pretty wretched.

We decided to make sure that mom was not ever alone in her final days.  I took one night, and Dad took the next.  And that night, as I was alone with mom, I thought I should talk to her.  Tell her all the things I was thinking....and feeling.  But as I listened to her ragged breathing, no words would come.  Well, that is not entirely true.  All I could say was, "I love you, mom, and I am so so sorry."

My heart was welling with feelings, pain, guilt, missing her smile and her laugh, her infectious joy.   I wanted to talk to her like it was our last conversation, but I had no words.  I just stared at her and then out the window to the orange lit world below.  I did not know how to say good bye to the most important woman in my life. 

I knew that she knew I loved her.   And I knew that she loved me.  Maybe in the end, that was all that really mattered.  But it bothered me.  Perhaps it was from watching too many bad hospital dramas where when someone was in a coma, the person sitting beside them read to them or talked to them, and knew exactly what to say.  I should have something to say to mom. Something!  But no.  And it is funny, even today, almost 10 months later, I still have the urge to call her up and share something that happened in my day.  But that night, and the next few days until she passed, there was nothing that we could share but silence.

So ultimately, I have to wonder, perhaps this was important in some way that I didn't understand.  All the talk we shared over the years came to an end that night.  What was left was the deepness of silence.  For once, there was nothing I could say to comfort or elicit a laugh. 

 I could do nothing to prevent her going, and we passed the night together, one last time.  And as I shared that last passage with mom, the time for words was at an end.  Perhaps that is what my heart was trying to tell me.  Forget your speech. Forget your need to make things better with words.  Now is the time to just be.  Be with her...until you cannot be again.

I place a great store in words - in communication.  I fancy myself to be pretty good with them.  Especially in words that come from the heart.  But what my heart showed me that night, was that there is a time for words to end, and simple presence to begin.  I wonder if I will recognize that time if it ever comes again.

Looking at Blue

When I was younger...wow I am old enough to say that now....someone told me to choose a colour that would symbolize the blessings or gifts promised to me by my 'god' or higher power. I looked up into the beautiful sky and chose sky blue.  Well, actually, I just chose the sky, because, it is changing colour constantly, and because all I ever have to do is look up to be reminded that there are good things coming my way.

Hence the title of my blog. 

Here I hope to explore the crazy nooks and crannies of my odd brain, my ideas about joy and justice, compassion, god, beauty, nature, and so on.  If you happen stumble upon my meandering thoughts, I hope you are at least amused, if not interested, uplifted or inspired. 

My life is filled with change and joy and crazy frenetic energy right now.  All of it is tinged with a bit of sadness.  My mom passed away last year in June (2010), and I still miss her big time, but a friend told me that all these good and crazy things coming my way are because my mom is blessing me.  I want to believe that is true.  It is a comforting(?) way of looking at things. It seems right. It connects me back to mom, even if she is not here anymore, in everything I do. 

So, I am happy.  And I want to spread this happiness around.  I want to give it to you.  Here, have some!  Take some more, and give it to your friends, family.  Spread it around. Lets make it big and bigger.  Lets make it cover over all the hurts and conflicts and disasters that are in the world right now. 

Look up!  Isn't the sky beautiful?

Welcome to my blog.  I hope you can come again.  Take care. 

We'll talk soon....