A Resolution

If you have been keeping up with my blogs this summer, you will be aware that I have been riding a rising wave of consciousness.  A chance I took at the beginning of July, created a burst of growth and flowering for me this year. …Hallelujah!   I have been riding this wave, discovering more joy in dance, movement, and art, more courage to overcome my fears and start to build a community in which I hope to plant seeds for love and growth, and more belief in general in myself.

So, as I sit at the top of the wave, I take my Nia terminology and I wonder, How do I increase and sustain this growth, joy and expansion?  Well, as I was doing some wandering in my mind the other day, an answer came to me.  It went like this…

For some reason, I was pondering some of my past boyfriends.  Many of them were really not worth my time, but because of a lack of belief in myself, I thought that if only they would believe in me, then maybe I would be worthy of love….I know, how sadly misguided.

In any case, one boyfriend in particular came to mind that I thought would have actually really been worth my time.  Alas, he dumped me.  And as I sat there wondering why, the thought came to me that I have been rejected many times in my life by others – told  that I was not good enough, not like them enough, not worthy of their friendship, love or whatever.  Perhaps I am not alone in this experience.  No matter! I thought, at least I refuse to reject myself anymore, and gave myself a mental hug.  That felt great! 

Of course, that is easy to say, I reminded myself.  So how to go about doing it?  I thought and came up with this…whenever something uncomfortable comes up, I resolve to check in with myself and ask a simple question.  Am I being loving to myself in this situation?  If the answer is no, then I have to do some work and find a way to still or come to terms with the inner critic. 

That resolution made, I thought just a bit further about my inner critic. It is interesting how we take all the criticisms leveled at us over the years and internalize them so that those people don’t even have to be present anymore in order for us to feel shame.  We become quite capable of shaming ourselves.  So sad really.  But this is where I step off of the bus.  Sorry guys.  I am just not giving you that power anymore….tthtttthhhhhpppppptttttt! 

I am so glad you could join me once more on my journey!  If it can plant a seed in your own life, please, please, allow it to germinate, seek the light, and grow.  You too are worthy of love and joy, no matter what your inner critic says!  Please join me now in this resolution.

Love, light and joy be yours.

Namaste!

Whispering Spirit

Blue Green - copyright Brenda Isaak Takao

Spirit has been asking me to stretch again. 

For so long, I gave myself excuses.  I can’t start my own business now; I’m trying to get pregnant.  I can’t go into business with my brother; same reason.  I can’t exercise now; I have this ruddy distance course to finish.  I can’t do art now; same reason. 

All the while, spirit has been whispering in my ear about taking chances, living out loud, following my heart’s desire.  Of course, I only listened when I had a ready excuse handy – driving in my car, looking at someone else’s art in some gallery nowhere near my art room, or while I really did need to finish those research papers in order to finish my course on time.  The list was and still is endless.  I can get so excited about what I want to do, just so long as I have no hope in hell of doing it right here and now.

This year I have been trying to change that.  By God it is hard.  I discovered (see earlier post) my inner critic this year, and have been in negotiations to get her to soften up.  I also realize that I am very afraid of failing.  But that is no excuse.  If you never try, you never fail, but you never succeed either.  I know that most successes start with failure.  I just have to find a way to see beyond that possibility.  I have to learn to pick myself up and try again.

And all the while the voice of spirit has been getting louder, interesting coincidences, messages of self love and acceptance keep getting sent my way.  Messages about the connectedness of all things are everywhere.  Opportunities are cropping up.  I even managed to manifest a simple wish I had about horses in a big way this summer (strange, but true!).

Trinity - copyright Brenda Isaak Takao

So I did it.  I am patting myself on my back.  I just sent out an email invitation to a group of people ( I can’t believe I talked myself into hitting the send button!) to a talking circle that I want to start.  The voice of fear says, “it might be a good idea, but what if no one shows up?  What if they all have prior engagements, or worse, no interest?” and the inner critic chimes in with, “and who do you think you are?  All those women are probably way more knowledgeable about this than you!”  To which I reply, “I am not there to teach, only to guide a conversation, an exploration.  I hope to learn as much as anyone! If no one shows up, well…I don’t know, maybe it was not meant to be or maybe I need to try again.  I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.”

Right now, I am envisioning myself in a group of women, sharing, growing, building, and it excites me.  I am trying.  I have taken a step.  I have to keep taking steps. Mmmmm….dancing steps.

And so continues the journey.

Spirit, if you are there, I am listening.  I am trying.  Thanks for believing in me.

 

The Alchemy of Courage and Dance

Authors note – I apologize in advance; this is a long one. Hopefully you can make it through to the end with me. :o)  I also apologize for not writing again sooner, perhaps the following will explain what I have been up to. And finally, for those of you that equate vulnerability with weakness, you may as well stop reading now, or risk believing me to be weak.  You would be wrong.

I have been ‘journeying’ this past  year.  Going from full employment to unemployed, working 3 casual jobs, to no jobs and distance learning, and lastly, to one casual job and attempting to finally allow myself the luxury of being creative.  All this, in an attempt to figure out what I really want to do with my life.

And last week, I allowed myself the luxury to dance.  And I mean DANCE, in a big way.  I took an intensive 7 day, 10 to 11 hours a day course to get my white belt in Nia (for more information on this wonderful practice, please go to Nianow.com). I spent these days with 11 other women, one man, a trainer and a host teacher moving, dancing, learning free dance concepts, technique, steps, and gaining knowledge of the body systems– bones, muscles, skin – and how they connect and move.

I had entered into the mystery.

This particular mystery is one of self growth.  And I may have had a break through, rather than the slow and painful process that I often go through with my self-growth.

When we change and grow as persons, what has to happen?  What are the magical ingredients that allow us to transform our lives or parts of our lives?  Are there some situations that encourage more rapid growth?  Is this process different for different people?

Over the years, I have read many books on transformation, from psychology texts to Deepak Chopra and Caroline Myss – even the Bible.  I have watched Ted Talks about it.  I have taken courses in developmental and counselling psychology, as well.  I have also done a lot of my own growth over the years.  Sometimes, or rather most of the time, it seems that growth and understanding comes slowly.  But there are some situations that seem to encourage breakthroughs.  In taking my white belt in Nia, I put myself in one of those situations.

So what were the alchemical ingredients in my growth curve?  Courage, for one.  Stress, self awareness,  dance, and vulnerability were others. 

In some ways, it took a lot of courage for me to enter this training intensive.  I knew that I didn’t have the stamina that I should and feared that I would push myself to an injury.  Even worse, I feared that I would not be able to keep up, and look like a fool, that essentially, I would fail, and thus the stress ingredient.  But there were no tests.  No one dictated to me the level at which I must move.  Really, all I had to do each day was show up, and do the best that I could.  So here is your first hint.  In whose eyes would I have been failing if I could not keep up the general pace of the class?

My first ‘test’ came early in the week.  What happened shocked me, and gave me the hope that I might just make it through the rest of the week. 

It was on the second day, and I should explain to you that while my body may love to move and dance, it has never been overly flexible.  A little over two years ago, I discovered in my first yoga class in ages that I could no longer sit cross legged.  I literally cried. It has taken me a lot of time to be able to do so, and I am still not comfortable sitting on the floor for long periods of time.

And so it was that I was slightly horrified to realize that for the sitting portions of each day in this training, when we were learning concepts and theory, we would be sitting on the floor.  I had brought a couple of pillows and hoped that somehow I could make it through, but it was already getting tough.  One of the younger girls in the class saw me struggling in the early afternoon, and got the attention of the teacher.  I was not ready to give in yet, but feeling forced and with the class watching, I asked to be allowed to sit on a chair.  I felt humiliated, and struggled to let it go, struggled to listen to what the trainer was saying.  But as is ever the case with me, tears came quickly to the surface.  I wanted to run and hide.

Then the break came, and we all took turns at the bathroom.  I wondered if anyone could see my humiliation, and unshed tears.  I had already failed! How was I going to make it through this class?  When my turn came in the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror, and let the tears come.  I needed a relief valve.  But as I stood there,  I realized something.  No one else probably cared that I sat on a chair.  Nor was I going to fail the white belt because I sat on a chair.  The white belt was not about how long you could sit comfortably on the floor!  This was only such a small part of what we were doing here, and not even relevant to the training.  “You are the only one judging yourself!”  I said, and a part of my humiliation fell away.

The next “class” was free dance, and as I found the joy of movement within my body, I realized that I was still holding a lot of negative energy in my body.  My chest felt tight.  The front of my arms and my throat tingled with this energy.  I still wanted to cry, to release this feeling, but I could not.  I did not yet feel safe with all these new people. 

So I decided to try something that a counselor had taught me.  Based on the idea that we hold emotions within our bodies, the idea is to focus on your bodily sensations, to hold on to them physically as tight as possible, and then to decide that you want to let them go.  And when you decide this, you release the physical tension as well.  The bodily sensations associated with the  negative emotions fall away, thus sweeping the energy out of your body. 

Within the free dance, I worked this tension into my body and allowed it to drop away.  I did it twice….it worked!  I no longer felt the need to cry, and I realized that I had given up my self-judgment as well.  The free dance was the perfect place to use movement to flush energy from my body.

The next morning, another miracle occurred.  I thought that I would be so tired from the day before, physically sore, and emotionally volatile.  But as I woke up, I realized that I felt rested, and as I drove to the studio, I realized that I felt lighter and even happy.  I was so shocked!  I knew then that I would make it through, even if I did get sore and tired.

This is not to say that I did not get down on myself later…hahaha…old habits and all that.  I realized that I expected a lot out of myself, and got a bit grumpy when I needed to move at a lower level.  I wanted to be better!  But now, I recognize it for what it was, and now I realize that I need to be kinder to myself and celebrate myself for just how hard I did work.  I did not give up.  I found more strength than I thought I had.  I learned a heck of a lot, and I came away with something to build on.

It was really an awesome experience, and in the end, the perfect alchemy to jump start some growth in my self-awareness.  Going on from this lesson, I realize that I need to be more aware of my inner critic and ask it to be kinder to myself.  I am sure that there are many things in my life that I stopped myself from doing because I did not think I could do them to my standards of perfection.  If I want to really get out of the creative rut that I have been in, that needs to change now.

I am so grateful to myself for finding the courage to go to the training, and for the training and dancing itself, as I know moving the body can release old energies that we have stored there and that no longer serve us.  This was a part of myself that I had never faced before, and the environment, as well as the encouragement of my classmates, and my willingness to really look at what was happening encouraged a breakthrough that I know will lead to more growth and ease in my life. And all I can say to that, is Amen!

Thank you, dear reader,  for coming again to my humble corner.  If this post was not already so long, I would like to talk more about Nia itself, and its awesomeness!  Maybe another time, but please google it.  If you like to move and dance, this is the perfect ‘exercise’ for you.

And until next time…I am sending out a little dancing light to you all and especially to my Nia sisters and brother. Shine on you amazing people.

Namaste!

Will You or Won't You?

There is a new kind of power out there. 

Seriously.

Ok, not really.  This power, it turns out, is one that we have all had all along.  We have just given it the wrong name.  We have been calling it, ironically, willpower.  As in, “I wish I had the willpower to turn down that double chocolate fudge brownie that you are offering me.” And the reason that we have such a hard time turning it down is because we are subconsciously telling ourselves that we “will” have it.  We have been sabotaging ourselves with improper language use.

Now I am not saying that we need to stop using the term ‘willpower’.  There are plenty of reasons and situations where we still need to use willpower.  We need willpower, for example to sit down to finish that research paper that has been mocking us ever since we started trying to write it, or to clean the bathroom when we would rather be outdoors or reading our book.

For situations where we need to use determination not to do something, however, I propose that we all start to use the term won’t-power.  Now, I have to admit, this was not my term.  It came from a gentleman making a joke as he watched me struggle over a danish at a meeting.  But it sure makes sense to me!

Yes, this is a bit tongue-in-cheek at its heart, but it has got to make you think…maybe we (and when I say we, I mean those of us that have BMI’s that give us pause and concern in the health department) need to be more aware of the reasons why we can’t seem to turn down food.

Personally, I have discovered that early feelings of lack, emotionally and food wise, have triggered this feeling in me that tells me that when I am presented with the opportunity to indulge I had better do so, because I might not get another chance.  Now that I have discovered this underlying thought process, I am trying to observe it when it arises. While I am still struggling with saying no at times, I have discovered that there are times when my won’t-power is getting stronger. 

I used to tell people that I just can’t say no to indulgences.  But I can’t say that anymore, because I realize that, actually, when I really want to, I can say no. Yay for me! 

I know that there are other reasons that I overeat, but discovering them one at a time is helping me work on my won’t-power.  What do you need won’t-power for?

Got to run.  In the meantime, have an awesome day!

Namaste!

Hello again & Internet musings

Happy Easter and welcome to my new and improved blog design!

The flowers are coming....

...I love spring and I love flowers.  And I love Shasta daisies so much they (or their form) seem to show up in a lot of my artwork.  So here among the flowers, I feel at home.  I can almost smell the spring when I look at this page!

Ok, now back to the blog part...well, I have been gone from this space for over a year!  I can’t believe how time has flown.  A lot of things have changed and are still changing in my life, and I am looking forward to bringing creativity back into my life in a big way this year.  Part of that effort is this here page.  Step one.  Redesign page.  Step Two.  Find a good topic and write! 

For step two, I have to thank a wise lady friend of mine.  As we were sitting and thinking about the world and how it is changing.  We were talking about the internet and its strengths and weaknesses.  The seeming loss of privacy on the internet was mentioned as a weakness, and the amazing power that many new internet based groups (Sum of Us, Avaaz, Open Media, etc) seem to be wielding in the aid of justice and altruism was mentioned as a strength.

And of course, it occurred to me, because that is how I think, that the internet was simply an outward physical manifestation of the inner spiritual state of all things.  Ie.  We are all One.

The internet is something that connects us in ways we have never been able to connect before. Information distribution and communication happens faster and easier than ever.  And this connection is changing our society once again, I would say, on the same level as the industrial revolution did in the last century (I think, in some ways, the internet is becoming a new institution, but that is a topic for later maybe).  Of course, as stated above, this utility can be used in constructive and destructive ways.  Constructing  communities, destructing privacy.  Constructing bodies of knowledge for everyone to share, destructing esteem and confidence when teens cyber-bully.

This brings me to another piece of wisdom that I have heard twice in the last little while.  It concerns a native elder’s story told to a group of children.  He told them that he had two wolves living inside of him. One wolf was bad.  It contained all the negative traits: greed, selfishness, hatred, anger, fear.  The second wolf was good.  It was helpful, caring, kind, just, loving, honest, altruistic and so on.  Further, he told the children that each of them also had these two wolves inside of them, too.  The children wanted to know which wolf was stronger.  “That is easy,” said the elder, “the one you feed.”

I guess, in relation to the internet, we are reminded that there is good and bad in everything, just as in every one of us.  The difference is made in how we choose to use it.

I think I could probably go on about this topic, but I have to tell you, it is a beautiful day outside, and my yard is calling me.  I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject, go ahead, leave a comment…

And have a beautiful day.

Namaste.