Diamond Bright

Today, I participated in a walk for “Kids for Cancer”. Before they started the relay and the walk, they introduced a bunch of people – doctors who were raising money for the cause, and so on.  They also had a couple of kids give a little talk – an eight year old girl who had brain cancer, and her 9 year old brother.  They were very well spoken.  At least, they read their speeches with practiced ease.  She read out a list of the procedures that she had already endured, and he added some of the other ones that she would have to go through in the future.  They were a family that was well acquainted with the hospital and dealing with pain.

Then the walk began, and I walked with my nephew, also nine, at the front of the pack.  He was itching to run, but the lead car was only going at a fast walk pace.  As we walked, another lady asked us questions.  “Do you have cancer?” she asked him.  “No,” he said.  Then she proceeded to tell us a bit about the two kids that had shared their story.  I found out that the little girl had lost 2 friends to cancer in the last year, and that 25 % of children did not survive their bouts with the disease. 

Such intimate knowledge of death and hardship for such young persons!  I thought about what we had gone through with mom, her bravery, her stubbornness and our emotions riding through highs when she showed recovery to lows when we thought for sure this time we had lost her.  I could only wonder at how children could deal with these emotions, the pain, the never ending “procedures”.  How did they hold up hope when their whole life was filled with this sickness?  What did they wish for?  How could they believe that life would ever get better when all they had ever known was worse?  And their families.  How devastating was it to know that this young child may never reach adulthood?  How does one deal with that?

It spoke to my belief that we have all come here to learn certain things, or to teach others things.  It also speaks to the stamina, the diamond hard and diamond bright resolve, that is built into the human spirit.  I have read in a few different places, the idea that we rise to the heights that are required, and these children are living testaments to this truth.  In the face of hardships, there is hope. We pull together, and we support each other.  We allow our love to speak in actions, and our souls to shine.

These people that endure these things are an inspiration to us, even while we shy away from the bitter realities that they endure, and hope that we never have to endure them ourselves.  Once again, the paradoxes of life break and play like light across my awareness.  Bitter pain is juxtaposed with amazing love and hope. Darkness and light.  And because of the knife edged darkness, the light is allowed to shine diamond bright.

And so we grudgingly accept, again, the pain and the lesson.

Thanks again, for listening to my musings.  Sending out love and light.

And signing off.

Namaste.

Yin Yang

Life is so full of contradictions.  We are walking paradoxes.

I am so stressed out!

I am so blessed!

I need more time.  The demands of the committee that I chair take up a good deal of time.  This is the first committee I have had the honour of chairing.  So this is new to me, and I don't want to let anyone down.  I have been able to keep up, but am worried that my motivation will waiver and I will miss crucial deadlines.  My garden is filled with dandelions, and creeping bell flower, but the rain keeps me from weeding. (I know, I know, the bees need the dandelions anyway....;-) ) And we still need to get the flooring done in the bedroom.  Plus the state of my office!!!  This list could go on a while.

At the same time, I feel so alive.  So filled with possibility.  So grateful for all the women, and yes even a few men that have come into my life in the last year, new friends, allies...people who can see the potential in me and are willing to stick around to see if it manifests.  I am still thankful for the humor and generosity of spirit that my husband demonstrates to me every day. I see avenues of possibility, and opportunities to create.  My garden energizes me, even as it wrecks my joints, renders muscles stiff and inoperable.

These polarities exist together within me.  It begs the question of our capability to feel joy and other positive emotions.  Would it/they exist without the tension of sadness, fear, stress?  It feels as though, the answer is no, they would not.  And the only reason I can say this is because of my own experiences.  I have no wider philosophical reasoning for this, only that so often in my life, when horrible things have happened, they have also been accompanied by amazing blessings.  Or when I have had an amazing day, it seems someone has to pop out of the proverbial woodwork to burst my bubble and turn my blue skies grey (oh! apologies for the cliches heaped up!).

So one wonders if life would be easier, if we didn't experience all the highs and lows.  A question that seems to be answered at least in some circles with, yes.  If we could rid ourselves of our attachments, then we might slip this mortal coil...or maybe I am misunderstanding...that is always a possibility.

But my answer to this question, or maybe my response, would have to be that, as hard as some of the times in my life have been, they have served to strengthen me.  They have made my spirit into the bird that soars above the clouds.  I have taken the lessons they offered, and turned my ashes into gold.  They have allowed me to feel these blessings, and given me the urge to pass them on to others. 

I guess I also feel that if I didn't have the highs and the lows, that I could not be called human.  This human condition.  We strive to find only the heights, and struggle not to feel the lows.  Well, I am learning to feel joy at both.  Slowly, achingly, I realize the value of both.

For now, I am on top of the mountain, and in the valley looking up.  There is blue sky and clouds, grey and green.  I open my arms and my heart to it all.  And it is good.