A bird high in the sky.
Bright sun makes feathers gleam.
White against blue.
Me, like a rabbit in a hole, looking out from darkness, while my soul soars with the bird.
Dreams of flight.
Joy on wings.
Small static bursts of recognition, this is what I am meant to be....
Why am I wasting my time down here?
- April 5, 2011
This little poem was written at work the other day. I was looking out of the overhead door, and happened to look up at the beautiful blue sunny sky when I saw the bird. A tiny burst of joy filled my heart, a momentary pleasure, so fleeting that it was hardly there. These little moments are something that I am drawn to - want to explore.
We all have these moments of trancendance, but they are so fleeting. We constantly search for happiness, and suddenly, when we are in the moment, happiness erupts within us at a simple sight or smell. Unfortunately, it is so hard to hold onto. And of course, any sage or meditator will tell you it is because we don't live in the moment enough. This seems to simplify the problem. It is easy to say, "live in the moment." But it is hard to do.
So I approach this in my own life, in my own way. I look for clues. I savor the moments when they come. I let the feeling enter my being. And I write about it when anything interesting comes to me.
Sometimes, it seems that this world of joy is only a thought or a gesture away, separated from me by the thinnest of veils. It seems that if only I knew the key, I could access this amazing fount of joy and energy at any time. But then life creeps in again, and I am pulled away. I must enter the world as my body knows it and get up and go or I will be late, or I better get back to work, or someone asks for my attention.
But I know that it is there. It is always there waiting for me to access it. And probably, in unconscious little ways, I do access it - when I am happy, creating art, talking to a friend, puttering in the garden, trying to give my joy away....
And so my journey and my search continue. But for now, I am tired, and can't think of a good ending for my musings. If anyone should happen to stumble upon these musings and has some musings of their own, I would be happy to hear from them...you. Drop me a line, or a comment.
In the meantime, I am sending out my love to all, and wishes for a happy peaceful Easter.
Take care of you.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
A: I Have A Lot of People to Love
Q: Why am I here?
This thought just occurred to me.
Do you ever just get answers to questions like they just popped out of the blue? I was just here thinking about my dad and the pain that he must go through daily. My heart wanted to reach out and scoop him up and protect him from that pain.
It seems I go through life trying to help, love, mediate, comfort, advise, and uplift. I am either just a big meddling busy body or I must genuinely care about others and want to help. Maybe a bit of both? Either way, in the back of my mind, as I was mulling over my motivations, a small voice asked, "why am i here?" and the immediate answer was an expansive," I have a lot of people to love."
It was accompanied by a strange feeling that I sometimes get that I am older than I am, and somehow alot more powerful than I realize.
Yeah. Ok, I admit it, I sound like a kook. But hey, at least I am a benevolent kook.
Just a short one tonight, folks. Had to type it before I forgot, but I don't have much time, so I gotta go. I may have to revisit this theme though....it is another of my recurring thoughts.
Peace out.
This thought just occurred to me.
Do you ever just get answers to questions like they just popped out of the blue? I was just here thinking about my dad and the pain that he must go through daily. My heart wanted to reach out and scoop him up and protect him from that pain.
It seems I go through life trying to help, love, mediate, comfort, advise, and uplift. I am either just a big meddling busy body or I must genuinely care about others and want to help. Maybe a bit of both? Either way, in the back of my mind, as I was mulling over my motivations, a small voice asked, "why am i here?" and the immediate answer was an expansive," I have a lot of people to love."
It was accompanied by a strange feeling that I sometimes get that I am older than I am, and somehow alot more powerful than I realize.
Yeah. Ok, I admit it, I sound like a kook. But hey, at least I am a benevolent kook.
Just a short one tonight, folks. Had to type it before I forgot, but I don't have much time, so I gotta go. I may have to revisit this theme though....it is another of my recurring thoughts.
Peace out.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Silence
Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I am usually very articulate. I know what I think and what I feel, and I can usually put it into words very readily. But there are times that words fail even me.
I am thinking about last week after writing my first blog entry. I was so excited, that I wanted to go back and write again the very next day. But I could not think of a topic. The urge was there, but my heart would not speak to me. I knew that it would only be a matter of time until something would pop into my head, as I am always coming up with things that make me think, "wow that would be a great blog topic.' So I settled in to wait.
And as I waited, I sort of worked it in my mind. Why had my inspiration left me briefly? It was so weird having the urge to say something, the need even, but not having the thing to say. Eventually, it brought to mind my mom's passing.
Now, I will not be speaking about my mom on every blog. But her passing is part of my recent history, and it remains strong in my psyche. It was an experience that bothered me in many ways, so I want to explore it and see what comes out of the depths of my mind. To that end, I will probably talk about it more than once on here, but not always.
I had plenty of warning that my mom was going to pass away - from prophetic dreams of her sickness and death to the many close calls we had with her, and her gradual decline to the point that at times it seemed she was not hardly there anymore. What I did not know was the way in which the end would come. Nor did I anticipate having to be involved in the decision that ended her life. I knew that it was the right decision, but still it felt like I was taking a decision out of the hands of the one person that should be making it, namely, mom. Mom, however, was in a coma, and we had strong indications that she would never come out of it.
Suffice it to say that I was feeling pretty wretched.
We decided to make sure that mom was not ever alone in her final days. I took one night, and Dad took the next. And that night, as I was alone with mom, I thought I should talk to her. Tell her all the things I was thinking....and feeling. But as I listened to her ragged breathing, no words would come. Well, that is not entirely true. All I could say was, "I love you, mom, and I am so so sorry."
My heart was welling with feelings, pain, guilt, missing her smile and her laugh, her infectious joy. I wanted to talk to her like it was our last conversation, but I had no words. I just stared at her and then out the window to the orange lit world below. I did not know how to say good bye to the most important woman in my life.
I knew that she knew I loved her. And I knew that she loved me. Maybe in the end, that was all that really mattered. But it bothered me. Perhaps it was from watching too many bad hospital dramas where when someone was in a coma, the person sitting beside them read to them or talked to them, and knew exactly what to say. I should have something to say to mom. Something! But no. And it is funny, even today, almost 10 months later, I still have the urge to call her up and share something that happened in my day. But that night, and the next few days until she passed, there was nothing that we could share but silence.
So ultimately, I have to wonder, perhaps this was important in some way that I didn't understand. All the talk we shared over the years came to an end that night. What was left was the deepness of silence. For once, there was nothing I could say to comfort or elicit a laugh.
I could do nothing to prevent her going, and we passed the night together, one last time. And as I shared that last passage with mom, the time for words was at an end. Perhaps that is what my heart was trying to tell me. Forget your speech. Forget your need to make things better with words. Now is the time to just be. Be with her...until you cannot be again.
I place a great store in words - in communication. I fancy myself to be pretty good with them. Especially in words that come from the heart. But what my heart showed me that night, was that there is a time for words to end, and simple presence to begin. I wonder if I will recognize that time if it ever comes again.
I am thinking about last week after writing my first blog entry. I was so excited, that I wanted to go back and write again the very next day. But I could not think of a topic. The urge was there, but my heart would not speak to me. I knew that it would only be a matter of time until something would pop into my head, as I am always coming up with things that make me think, "wow that would be a great blog topic.' So I settled in to wait.
And as I waited, I sort of worked it in my mind. Why had my inspiration left me briefly? It was so weird having the urge to say something, the need even, but not having the thing to say. Eventually, it brought to mind my mom's passing.
Now, I will not be speaking about my mom on every blog. But her passing is part of my recent history, and it remains strong in my psyche. It was an experience that bothered me in many ways, so I want to explore it and see what comes out of the depths of my mind. To that end, I will probably talk about it more than once on here, but not always.
I had plenty of warning that my mom was going to pass away - from prophetic dreams of her sickness and death to the many close calls we had with her, and her gradual decline to the point that at times it seemed she was not hardly there anymore. What I did not know was the way in which the end would come. Nor did I anticipate having to be involved in the decision that ended her life. I knew that it was the right decision, but still it felt like I was taking a decision out of the hands of the one person that should be making it, namely, mom. Mom, however, was in a coma, and we had strong indications that she would never come out of it.
Suffice it to say that I was feeling pretty wretched.
We decided to make sure that mom was not ever alone in her final days. I took one night, and Dad took the next. And that night, as I was alone with mom, I thought I should talk to her. Tell her all the things I was thinking....and feeling. But as I listened to her ragged breathing, no words would come. Well, that is not entirely true. All I could say was, "I love you, mom, and I am so so sorry."
My heart was welling with feelings, pain, guilt, missing her smile and her laugh, her infectious joy. I wanted to talk to her like it was our last conversation, but I had no words. I just stared at her and then out the window to the orange lit world below. I did not know how to say good bye to the most important woman in my life.
I knew that she knew I loved her. And I knew that she loved me. Maybe in the end, that was all that really mattered. But it bothered me. Perhaps it was from watching too many bad hospital dramas where when someone was in a coma, the person sitting beside them read to them or talked to them, and knew exactly what to say. I should have something to say to mom. Something! But no. And it is funny, even today, almost 10 months later, I still have the urge to call her up and share something that happened in my day. But that night, and the next few days until she passed, there was nothing that we could share but silence.
So ultimately, I have to wonder, perhaps this was important in some way that I didn't understand. All the talk we shared over the years came to an end that night. What was left was the deepness of silence. For once, there was nothing I could say to comfort or elicit a laugh.
I could do nothing to prevent her going, and we passed the night together, one last time. And as I shared that last passage with mom, the time for words was at an end. Perhaps that is what my heart was trying to tell me. Forget your speech. Forget your need to make things better with words. Now is the time to just be. Be with her...until you cannot be again.
I place a great store in words - in communication. I fancy myself to be pretty good with them. Especially in words that come from the heart. But what my heart showed me that night, was that there is a time for words to end, and simple presence to begin. I wonder if I will recognize that time if it ever comes again.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Looking at Blue
When I was younger...wow I am old enough to say that now....someone told me to choose a colour that would symbolize the blessings or gifts promised to me by my 'god' or higher power. I looked up into the beautiful sky and chose sky blue. Well, actually, I just chose the sky, because, it is changing colour constantly, and because all I ever have to do is look up to be reminded that there are good things coming my way.
Hence the title of my blog.
Here I hope to explore the crazy nooks and crannies of my odd brain, my ideas about joy and justice, compassion, god, beauty, nature, and so on. If you happen stumble upon my meandering thoughts, I hope you are at least amused, if not interested, uplifted or inspired.
My life is filled with change and joy and crazy frenetic energy right now. All of it is tinged with a bit of sadness. My mom passed away last year in June (2010), and I still miss her big time, but a friend told me that all these good and crazy things coming my way are because my mom is blessing me. I want to believe that is true. It is a comforting(?) way of looking at things. It seems right. It connects me back to mom, even if she is not here anymore, in everything I do.
So, I am happy. And I want to spread this happiness around. I want to give it to you. Here, have some! Take some more, and give it to your friends, family. Spread it around. Lets make it big and bigger. Lets make it cover over all the hurts and conflicts and disasters that are in the world right now.
Look up! Isn't the sky beautiful?
Welcome to my blog. I hope you can come again. Take care.
We'll talk soon....
Hence the title of my blog.
Here I hope to explore the crazy nooks and crannies of my odd brain, my ideas about joy and justice, compassion, god, beauty, nature, and so on. If you happen stumble upon my meandering thoughts, I hope you are at least amused, if not interested, uplifted or inspired.
My life is filled with change and joy and crazy frenetic energy right now. All of it is tinged with a bit of sadness. My mom passed away last year in June (2010), and I still miss her big time, but a friend told me that all these good and crazy things coming my way are because my mom is blessing me. I want to believe that is true. It is a comforting(?) way of looking at things. It seems right. It connects me back to mom, even if she is not here anymore, in everything I do.
So, I am happy. And I want to spread this happiness around. I want to give it to you. Here, have some! Take some more, and give it to your friends, family. Spread it around. Lets make it big and bigger. Lets make it cover over all the hurts and conflicts and disasters that are in the world right now.
Look up! Isn't the sky beautiful?
Welcome to my blog. I hope you can come again. Take care.
We'll talk soon....
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